[tulips38rm]

I am not handling this with my mother very well...any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I want to put her into a nursing home for just 2 months to get her regulated on her medicines since she doesn't take them as she should, but my sister is fighting me on this. I call her (mom) twice a day and go over at least 3 times a week now to check on her. Once I go, I see she is telling me she takes the meds while I am on the phone with her..but see that she isn't taking them all or none at all. everytime I fill her up medicine containers for the next week she ask me why she has to take so many. I have to explain over again why..she fights me constantly on taking them all and for what reason. Am I being a bad daughter because its taking a toll on me? Am I showing less respect for her for wanting to put her somewhere I know she will be taken care of and get her meds as she should? Yesterday I sit here and cried all day ..that is not like me..I can usually push things aside and move on..but this is really starting to wear on me ...sorry for venting...just need some help.
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It's not about perfection, its about progression, love who you are first!

[su]

im so sorry you are going thru this.. i dont have any words of wisdom for you.. i dont think you are being a bad daughter.. you are doing what is best for you mom..
huggs...
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"there is no new food"
"nothing tastes as good as being thin feels"

[Dingie_Dinah]

((((((((((((((((Sherry)))))))))))))))))) I don't have any wise words of wisdom for you either, but want you to know that having your mom under 24 hour care for medicine alone, is probably a good idea. You Are NOT showing disrespect for her by wanting her to be well!!! Maybe it's time for a heart to heart with both her and your sister.

we are here for you girlie. sending you big ole tennessee hugzzzzzz
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Dingie Dinah
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May you always have
Love to Share,
Health to Spare,
And Friends Who Care

"Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin and Healthy Feels"

'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'

[mhayden999]

Sherry, I too am so sorry that you are having some challenging times. Since your sister is so against a nursing home, how about home healthcare. Someone to come by daily, give her her medicine. Usually medicare will cover this if the Dr. orders it.

They will also help her bath, get dressed etc. Kind of like a nursing home, but with some professional help in her house. I will keep you and her in my prayers.

Mark
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[greeneyes]

What they said.

A home health nurse or a home care provider can make sure she gets her meds. Talk with the Dr's office about Medicare, Home Health, Visiting Nurses, etc.

My Mom has had a visiting nurse, home health care and now is in a nursing home doing physical therapy. She doesn't have Alzheimers, but is sometimes very confused. Better to know someone is making sure she is getting her meds and eating, etc. Medicare will pay for 3 weeks (I think) if she goes from the hospital to the nursing home under Dr's orders.

Help is available, but you have to ask for it and educate yourself on the system, lingo, etc.

And remember that nothing do you for your Mom is "wrong". You just may have to try something different if what you try isn't working out.

Talk it out with your sister. If y'all try something and it's not right for Mom, then try something else.

(((((Hugs)))))

[tulips38rm]

Thank you all for your kind words. I am going to call tomorrow about the Visiting nurse. I had mentioned this before to her and she had a fit about someone being in her house all the time, but its come to the point that I have to do what is best for her. I have also decided that since I am the one doing most of the running and calling and dealing with doctors that I am going to have the final say about the nursing home. I will give the visiting nurses a try first, and if that don't work I will just have to do what I feel is for her best interest. I think what upsets me the most is that Mom sees me as the bad one because I am so bossy with her about her meds and stuff, and my sister more or less pets her as she sees it. Last wednesday night her phone service went out in her area, I had just bought her some new phones since hers were not holding a charge anymore, at 9:30pm I received a phone call from my sister telling me that mom was at her truck stop (my sister is the manager) nearly having a nervous breakdown because she thought I had messed up her phones. I got up and drove 20 miles over there to find out the phone service was out in the area where mom lives. There were all kinds of people coming to check on their parents as they could not get ahold of them by phone. After explaining all this to mom as calmly as I could, she screamed at me about messing her telephones up...so I calmly unplugged the phones I had brought for her and plugged her old ones back up... the next morning around 11am she came knocking on my door (yes she is still driving against our wishes) she wanted the phones back. It is these kinds of things I do not understand at all. Sometimes I have to wonder if she is really that bad, or maybe acting a little worse for the attention. I feel so bad about saying that, but its how I feel at times. There are just so many things that are going on with her right now and I am getting more and more depressed as the days go by. I DO NOT LIKE THIS!!! I do not know where to turn next...my husband told me one day last week that he knows how much I love her, but he needs me to and not to forget that. I just do not know what to do.
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It's not about perfection, its about progression, love who you are first!

[Dances_withbirds]

Here is how it worked out for us:

My son's doctor wrote a letter to the health insurance explaining the need for in-home nursing care, how often he felt it was needed per day/week/month, and his approval of it. Then I sent a detailed letter to the insurance company explaining the need for the nursing care in the home, the times/hours needed, and what needed to be done by the staff in detail and why. The insurance company then reviewed the details of both letters and gave an approval of 50 hours per week when he is not in school and 24 - 30 hours a week when he is.

If you want, I can send you a copy of what I wrote if that would help you put together an outline. I also have a form letter provided by our support agency that I can type out some details of for you. If you need any help in having a letter reviewed that you have written, I would be glad to do that for you.

[Dances_withbirds]

....after the approval, someone from the health insurance will contact a nursing agency that will contact you for you to interview. If you accept them and their services, then they have to match you with staff. You get to meet and interview them on a one to one basis in the home. Every month it will be monitored by a supervisor. We get a call once a month to ask how things are, and a visit by the supervisor nurse to check on the client.


Hope this information was of some help to you.

[tulips38rm]

Thank you Dances with birds..any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated...If it will help move this process faster, please send the letter you wrote so I can use it as a reference..

I called her last night to remind her to take her meds and ask her how she was feeling and she said very weak..I know this is due to her not eating well...she has lost 12 lbs this past month and I know thats not good for someone her age..I know you all must wonder why I do not move her in with me..and it is because I have a very small home and take care of children for a living. This would not be a good enviroment for her..I feel it would be very stressful and just make things worse..My sister works all the time and there would be no one at her home to watch her as she needs to be watched..so this visiting nurse or nursing home are really the only choices..I will give the visiting nurse a try first as she still wants her independence...until I can see it is totally out of the questions, I guess its ok...I remember hearing once that our parents take care of us when we are little..and we end up taking care of them when they get old...I guess that is so very true..maybe its a way of thanking them for all they did for us..I am scared, and don't like what I see happening to this once vibrant and happy woman ..this disease is horrible and my heart goes out to any and everyone who has a loved one with it. I just keep hoping that one day the meds will kick in and she will be the mom I remember a few years ago...
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It's not about perfection, its about progression, love who you are first!

[Dances_withbirds]

OK! I will type that out for you today.

Not knowing how many hours they will grant you, you might also want to look into the adult care in your area. For example, I would imagine a day might go like this....nurse comes in the morning for dressing, breakfast, meds, and then a bus comes to pick up your mother to take her to the care place where she will have her lunch and enjoy activities with others. I had a neighbor who used one for their parent while they went to work. Then she would come home later in the day and the nurse would be there to fix dinner, meds, help with bath, spend evening, do some light upkeep, and bed time. Don't know if she qualifies for an overnight...but I suspect she does.

Will write more later!

[wiccanmalenurse]

Sherry, I don't know how I missed this post but I did! I apologize as you know it is unlike me. I as a nurse who worked long term geriatric care and also one who made some tough decisions in his Mother's not so vibrant days, will tell you this; a nursing home is a wonderful and loving place to see that your mother gets the attention, care and monitoring that she and you deserve! Make sure you check out the history of the nursing home and also the rules as to your and your mother's wishes, preferences, likes and dislikes and as to how they will be attended to. There is nothing wrong with you doing what you need to do for her! I know you read my Blog on my mother ad it was her wishes not mine and it was the hardest thing I ever did. Monitor her close Sherry and catch it before it catches you. The in home nursing is a good thing but with your Mother's confusion you describe, I would have to wonder if it would be enough at this point. By placing her in a nursing home temporarily, you will be able to rest knowing that she has skilled care and monitoring 24/7 until you can discover the problem. Many times it takes that to find it as symptoms come and go. You are not abandoning her and you are not putting her there forever but rather ensuring that she is getting the quality care and diagnostics she deserves. Husband I understand too! We men can be silly at the most inopportune times. He sees you worried and I am sure it upsets him too and we have different mechanisms to handle those emotions. Explain to him that you love him and that you know he is worried but right now you need him to support you through this and that you appreciate his understanding. I hope all works out and if you need to talk PM me and I will give you my number for future reference if you need it. You all are in my prayers,
David
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[tulips38rm]

I want to thank Dances with birds for her help...I contacted the agency yesterday and they are sending someone out to speak with me about mom..

David thank you for your kind words..it's always nice to know we have people we can talk to at times like this..I went to check on mom yesterday and she seemed more like herself..I am thinking the depression drugs are starting to finally kick in..while I was there, I ask her a few questions just in conversation to see how she would respond..and she answered them all right with lots of details..so that was good..My sister has been going by after work and taking her food and sitting with her till she eats it..so thats good..We are going to put the nursing home on hold for another week to see what happens..maybe all she needs right now is a visiting nurse. Its very hard to think of putting her in a nursing home right now..shes always been so full of life..She was in the nursing home to recover from total knee replacement and was in the same room as Sheryl Crows Grandmother...Mom has always been a caregiving type person and really enjoyed being in the room with her...Mrs Crow could not speak and didn't do much...but would sit by mom in the evenings and watch TV and hold moms hand..when I told mom about her passing away it really hurt mom..But mom enjoyed her time there..she had friends and liked playing the games..so when the time does come..I will know shes okay...David, I was not aware that the symptons come and go? She can be ok one day and not the next? I told her yesterday not to get in the car alone...I also told her friend who usually goes with her..to watch mom and not let her get in the car by herself..she said she would do what she can. My sister is still set against putting her in the nursing home..I don't want to be the hard one, but I guess I have to for moms safety and safety of those around her.

My hubby knows I love him...he understands what is going on and being supportive of me..he just sees the stress that this is adding to my life...and with the youngest daughter taking her good for nothing husband back into her life its just added more..these old shoulders just arent as strong as they use to be...

David can I adopt you? LOL ....I need someone to cook for me and You always seem to have the best foods listed for your daily meals..I will admit the weight loss has stopped for now..but I am trying my darnest not to gain anything..I have not abandoned this..and I will not..just hard to concentrate on anything right now..

I really care about you people..I hope you all realize that..thank you for being here..

Sherry
_________________
It's not about perfection, its about progression, love who you are first!

[joy828]

Sherry - like David I somehow missed out on this post earlier. I have been through what you are going through - with my grandmother though, not my mother. I also worked in a nursing home for awhile. And, my mother got to the point where it was unsafe for her to drive. Every one of these situations is stressful & here you are going through all of them at once. I send you lots of hugs & understanding.

Now, I want to tell you that sometimes the most loving thing we can do is be the bad guy!

You can fix the car so that it won't start - and I would recommend that. Not only for your mother's safety, but you don't want her to have an accident and hurt or kill others. Some of the guys here can probably give you advice on how to do that safely and easily.

The symptoms do come and go ...... part of what makes this horrible disease so difficult to deal with - especially in the early stages. You will be fooled into thinking it is really not so bad ..... then it is back. A real roller-coaster of emotions.

I know the pain you are in making the tough decisions, praying for a way out - and worst of all is missing the person your mother used to be. I remember all of that so well. But, after my grandmother did go into a nursing home, she was so much happier. The stress and a lot of the fears of trying to make decisions and being confused about how to care for herself was lifted off her shoulders. After a period of adjustment, she began to feel safe and cared for. That is what you can do for your mother.

The behavorial changes are very hard to deal with - but, just remember that it is the disease, and not your mother that does the hurtful things and is angry, suspicious, etc. Try to separate them in your mind, and it will help you deal with the feelings.

Gee, I'm sorry to go on so long. Guess you can tell this subject is something that is close to my heart. Wish I could be there to help, but I will continue to pray for you and your mother and family. If writing helps you, come here every day and let it out to us .......... we can take it and you know we care for you. The most wonderful thing about this site, is the lack of judgement .... you will not be judged as a bad daughter if you come here to express how you are feeling. You are a wonderful daughter to care so much and do what needs to be done in spite of the difficulty.

Hang in there ......... sending love and prayers,

Joyce
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[tulips38rm]

I know where your name comes from joy...you are really a joy

Thank you for all your kind words..it helps more than you know..

I am sorry I can't post more..I am hanging by a thin thread here and fighting to hang on..

Hugs to you all.
_________________
It's not about perfection, its about progression, love who you are first!

[su]

(((((((((((((sherry)))))))))))))))
just thinking bout you
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"there is no new food"
"nothing tastes as good as being thin feels"